I was happier before I went to Bible College

I have a lot of time to think. Both of my flatmates are away, and when i find myself alone for long periods, I tend to start thinking aloud. The more I hear my own thoughts, the more they expand.

Recently I've been thinking about a session I attended at a conference at a big church in the city. I went to this particular conference last year and didn't enjoy it, so I had low expectations to begin with. The only reason I went along was to see my pastors from hastings.

I could never be comfortable attending a big church. Especially a church with so many lights flashing you leave with a headache... and 5 projectors, numerous video cameras, flat screen TVs, and various other technical gear to rival Harvey Norman. The whole time they were singing (their own songs that no-one knew, with 2 members of probably NZs most well known worship band), I couldnt help but wonder how many people they could have fed or medicated.

This particular session was about dreams/dreamer... and I noticed that the visiting speaker from a well known church in Australia, (which he didnt fail in informing us may be the fastest growing church in Australian history) managed to use what the Bible says about Josephs dreams and somehow paired it with... goals.

And when we're not listening to how many people attended a certain event, and how many were saved, and that a particular church has grown from 74 to 1874 people in 2 years (for example)... we're listening to the people talk about how great the movement is, about other denominations dropping the ball when it gets hard, but not this one!!!! *amens and cheers from the crowd* That God has chosen this movement to somehow save NZ... which I'm sure sounds good over the few days of the conference.

The thing that most stands out for me about this conference actually occured last year. An important leader was going up the front, and we were all told to give him a "prophetic clap"!

And how does this tie in with bible college? Before bible college, I was oblivious. I attended church, camps, conferences, etc. and I agreed with everything that sounded good to me. God was whoever He was made out to be and I accepted it. Bible college ruined that, and yet I still wouldn't change it for the world. I started to take notice of what I was hearing, and comparing it to what I was learning... and it didn't always add up. I don't claim to know everything, or even anything... but I do know that I cant attend a church that puts so much value on numbers, on "winning" people (is that the best term you can come up with!!???), on having a great worship band with lights and cameras and jumping, and singing about giving Jesus a big shout. That may be for some people, but its certainly not for me.

The Beginning

I've started this blog without much thought... I just decided to do it, and did.

I recently deleted my old blog which I hadn't used for months, but this one is to be different... this is less about friends reading my thoughts and what's going on in my life, and more (I'm hoping) sharing my spiritual growth (or maybe more accurately, struggle), and what I discover along my journey.

This title of this blog, "Fifty-three Years in Space" is he subtitle for the chapter "Alone" in the book Blue Like Jazz, by Donald Miller. I choose this for a couple of reasons. One being that the book is right beside me, and at 1.14am on Monday morning, I'm feeling less than creative. Also, that particular chapter is where I find myself at the moment.

I have been living in Auckland now for a week, so obviously, I know next to no-one. The main part of me identifying with 'Alone' though, is that I'm lacking on the church front. I haven't really been to church in at least 3 months, and of course, my separation with it started long before. Don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with the church I went to... but I would have fitted better if I was 35, married, with a couple of kids. I really didn't have any close friends there, and those my age weren't really interested in God at all. More than that though, I'm feeling a separation from church in general. I feel quite let down and disillusioned with the whole thing. Alot of this has been building momentum for a while... and was just added to recently when I experienced the loss of a family member... and the only support I received from the people in the church I have been attending for the past 6 years or so, where I have run the youth ministry for a year, was from the pastors. I cannot really see how I could be involved in a church that when a crisis arose, I could count on 2 fingers those who actually asked how I was. If I can be involved in a church my whole Christian life and experience this, I'm unsure how it could be different elsewhere.

Its not that I was craving sympathy and attention. What I've really been craving this whole time is community. Community with people who actually want to seek God. I want to be in a cell group where the leader doesn't question (and rightfully so!) if theres a point in even having it. I want to go to church and sit with people who aren't listening to ipods and playing PSP, but are actually part of the gathering.

I do wonder if I will ever find a church community. I was sitting home a couple of weeks back talking to a friend of mine who was skipping church. Both her flatmates were home skipping church... another of her friends was home skipping church (and there were a few more we could both think of off the top of our heads). What is so wrong that so many of us of a similar age had no desire to be at a church? Whats missing here? IS there really so few real communities out there where people fit... where I will fit?

Anyway, now you know how I got to this point. I'm unsure where to go from here. Do i check out churches even though my hearts not really in it? If so, where do I start? Or do I continue being a churchless Christian for the time being?

*Please note, my blog wont look like this forever... I know its ugly :) Also, if you read this, I hope you watch for my next post, which may or may not be entitled 'I was happier before I went to Bible College'